Sunday, January 28, 2007

Confessions of a dirty book reader

Okay so did the title real you in? I must confess something - I was reading a book that I should never have read. Notice the WAS. Here is the deal, I had heard about this book and how wonderful it was and decided it would be my first book of 2007. I headed to Target, purchased the book and began reading. I was truly enjoying it and very much intrigued by the story of this man's life. Basically he grew up in a PSYCHO house and environment. It is a memoir and quite funny and yet oh so weird at the same time. About 50 pages into I read a part in the book that is sexually explicit and don't enjoy it but convince myself that it is okay because this is his life story and crappy stuff like this does happen to people, and I continue on. I did question whether I should be reading this though and voiced my concerns to Aaron and my mom, but justified it with the fact that it was his story and not made up. So,continue about 20 pages more and there is another scene not quite as bad as the last one, but none the less it is still a scene that I didn't enjoy. Now I am really questioning my choice of reading material. I am now ashamed to tell people what I am reading and swear I will NEVER recomend this book, but yet I keep on reading. It was as if I wanted so badly to know how the book ended up and what happened to this man that I pushed back my conscience and guilt and kept on moving. I convinced myself that if I could just get to the end it would be better. I would finish the book and never tell anyone I read it but at least I would know how it ended. And besides it is a memoir, not a kinky romance novel! Well, now I'm about 50 more pages into and a scene comes about that I wish I had never read because I can remember it and could almost picture it as I was reading it. It was one of the most graphic sex scenes I could think of and this poor boy is being taken advantage of by an older man. I slammed the book down and haven't picked it up since and never plan on finishing the book.

As I look back, I am puzzled as to why I allowed myself to get this far into the book. Was the ending so much better than me guarding my mind from these words and images? Did I think that just because this was his story that it was okay for me to put graphic images into my mind?

I have dealt with this on my own and it has been about two weeks now, and I am reading a much better book about being a good parent! I am thankful for the Holy Spirit in my life and oh so thankful that he continued to urge me to quit reading the book- gosh God does know what is best for us! I guess I'm confessing to you now to free myself from the feeling of hiding the fact that I was reading this book.

Remember - if it is your little secret it is probably not good!

2 comments:

jtcosby said...

I aplaud your confession. I think it is hard to do the "right" thing sometimes...sometimes it is hard to know if it IS the right thing or just your mind playing tricks on you. I think your idea of "if it's your little secret" is a GREAT meter of choices...if you would be embarrassed to be seen talking to your spouse a certain way...or your kids or reading the book or watching the television show or watching a movie...good idea of a problem if you are embarrassed...that is just my opinion in response to your confession...while saying that...BOY DO I HAVE A LOT TO WORK ON!

Troy & Tara Livesay said...

Jamie --

I LOVE that photo ... what great lighting and a good shot.

Hugs-
t.