Mom vs. Birth Mom

Recently while visiting with a new adoptive mom friend I noticed that she always referred to her new baby girl's birth mom as mom. I kept noticing this and wondered how she did it. How did she say the words that are so hard for me to say?

You see, I always refer to our son’s first mom as either birth mom, first mom or by her name. I found myself asking why is it that it bothers me when someone refers to his birth mom as mom. When someone asks us if we have a relationship with his mom, it bothers me. I know whom they mean and I know what they are asking, but I want to scream YES WE KNOW HIS MOM; I AM HIS MOM. You see they are only wondering if we have an open adoption or closed. They are merely curious and I love curiosity about adoption. I love to talk about adoption and I love to educate and disprove some of the myths people have about adoption. So then why is this so hard for me?

I am a huge birth parent advocate. I believe the most ideal place for a child is with his/her birth family. When that isn't the best situation, then that is when I think adoption should come in to play. I wish that there were more options available for parents who are struggling to raise their children. I think that a birth parent that changes their mind to parent their baby has every right to do that. They are the parents before anyone else is. I am a huge advocate of open adoptions and feel as though closed adoptions are not beneficial to anyone in the adoption triad.

I love our birth mom. I respect her and cherish her and we do have an open relationship with her. I value her more than she will ever know. She loved our son before we even began loving him. She cared for him before us. She chose to give him life and she chose us to parent him. Her reasons for placing him are her own reasons and not mine to broadcast here. She will always be a part of our lives and we have pictures of her in the boy’s room. We also talk about her and tell Little Boy about her whenever we look at the pictures.

I usually atribute my dislike of this to not wanting to confuse my boys. I never want them to be confused as to who their "real" mom is. Does this make sense, or am I just using them as a crutch to my own fear?

So, am I insecure in the thought of someone referring to her as mom too? Do I fear that I will be valued less if he hast two moms? I don’t know why this is so hard for me. When we first adopted him I would rage (not to the person, but just in my head) if someone said mom instead of birth mom. Now it doesn’t bother me, but I just can’t bring myself to say it. Is that okay?

So, any other adoptive moms out there where do you stand on this? Am I wrong? Am I insecure? Do I need to just get a grip and get over it? I can take it, tell me the truth. Is this dumb? I promise it is really not a big issue, I just need to know if I am alone on this one, or if any of you other moms deal with this.

Blah to me on Mother's Day

First let me say a HUGE Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful mom, Nancy my mother-in-law, my Grandma in San Diego, and my Mimi in Texas! I love you all!

Second I want to tell you how I got a HUGE slap in the face today from God. Ha ha! You know the moments where you feel as if God just says to you, are you kidding me? This morning was fine as I got the kids ready for church by myself and we arrived just in time for me to teach my kindergarten and first grade kids in Sunday School. As they were all making mother's day cards for their mommy's I started feeling sad that I didn't get cards from my boys today. Neither one of them wished me a Happy Mother's Day, or made me breakfast in bed and that is probably because they are 3 and 1, but still I was feeling sorry for myself. (I did get cards from school though on Thursday!)

Then after church everyone was headed out to restaurants to shower their moms with praise and a day off from cooking. Me, well I was headed home by myself to make hot dogs and left overs for my sweet boys and myself. As I drove home I felt cheated on Mother's Day. I felt as though I wasn't being praised and I wasn't important.

After I put the kids down for a nap I headed out to mow the lawn. Now mowing the lawn didn't upset me, because actually I enjoy mowing the lawn. I get free sun, a slight workout, and time alone to think! Well, thinking I did.

As I was having my pity party to God about being alone on Mother's Day and not having anyone to take me out it was as if he started whispering little things in my ears. The first was thoughts of Naomi and Ruth from the bible. This was our lesson today in church and I remembered how Naomi lost not only her husband but also her two sons. I bet she had a few lonely Mother's Day's to celebrate alone. She endured and persevered and God blessed her. Shame on me for feeling sad when I have the best hubby in the world, who is constantly praising me as a mom, and lavishing me with gifts and his time, and I have two fantastic healthy boys that love me more and more every day.

Then I remembered my friend Allison posting about her friends in a car accident this weekend. Not only is this mom in the hospital in bad shape but she is dealing with the fact that her son is hours away in another hospital not responding and probably not going to make it.

Then I think of all the women who LONG for a child and for some reason or another can not have one. Their hearts are broken and longing for a life to grow inside of them.

Then I think of all the moms that have lost children. I can not even imagine this tragedy happening to a mom. I pray that these women are comforted in the fact that God is good and just the same way as he provided and protected Naomi he will do the same thing for them.

I also think of birth mothers who have placed their children with new families. I am sure they think of these children often and have a special place for them in their hearts forever.

So, my lawn mowing today was very enlightening to me. God was gracious to gently whisper in my ear that my moaning, groaning and complaining was not necessary. Although I didn't get showered with praises today by anyone, I know that my hubby and children adore me and I am thankful for all that I have in this life.

(As a side note, Aaron did shower me with gifts before he went out of town, so don't think he forgot!!!!)

Hair cuts, publix, and birth mom's

There are three topics that I need to blog about before I leave so they are all getting one post.

1. Hair cuts - both boys received hair cuts last night. This was Little Boy's first hair cut! Why is it so hard for me to cut my boys hair? I love their long hair and have the hardest time cutting it. This is only Big Boy's third trim and every time it is still hard for me! I realized that Big Boy will be so hot in TX and needed a trim to get some off his neck. Aaron did a good job on both their hair and loves to cut it. Oh and yes if you are wondering, the blood on his finger is from a hair cutting injury he received last night!






2. PUBLIX - YES it is true a Publix just opened about one mile from our house and we could not be happier about this! We LOVE Publix and HATE shopping at Kroger or anywhere else, but especially Kroger. The people at Publix are SO NICE and the people at Kroger are SO NOT NICE! I need someone to be nice to me while I'm shopping for groceries with two kids and about to loose my mind. The last thing I need is two whiny boys and one very unhappy, miseralbe, not nice checkout lady. I get that unhappy, miserable, I-hate-my-life, checker EVERY time and I will not stand for it! We will spend MORE money on groceries to have NICE people!!!


3. BIRTH PARENTS - Yesterday I met with a woman who had some questions about adoption. I am always open to talk to anyone about adoption and share our story. I LOVE to do that and LOVE to give adoption a good name and clear up any misconceptions that someone may have about domestic adoption. Of course she had all the same fears that most people have when they think about domestic adoptions. I had the same too before we started the process and began researching it for ourselves. Here are some of the questions ..... "Don't they have 6 months to take the baby back", "I heard it takes 3 years to get a baby", "What if my child wants to meet his birth mom later" "Will I love this child as much as the one I already have" .... ALL of these questions are valid and not stupid. Adoption is scary if you don't know much about it and haven't known anyone that has been involved in it. I have learned so much about adoption that I never knew when we started this journey with life.

This lady and her hubby are not yet sure on whether they are going to pursue domestic or international adoption and I reassured her that God would lead her. I have a HUGE heart for birth parents (mom's especially). They sacrifice something that most of us could NEVER imagine doing. I can NEVER even think of GIVING my Big Boy to ANYONE to parent besides myself. NO WAY! That is what makes it such an amazing sacrifice. Most birth parents LOVE that child so much that they are willing to put their own feelings aside and allow that child to have a different life than they could give them. Each of them has different reasons for choosing adoption, but all of them share the same thing ..... they knew this child first, they loved this child first, they created this child, they put this child's needs at top priority. I love our birth mom and value her life and respect her for what she choose to do for our Little Boy.

I told this lady that no matter where she adopts her child will have birth parents. Even if you adopt from China your child has a birth family. If you adopt from Haiti your child has a birth family. If you adopt from Russia your child has a birth family. A child can not enter this world without their birth families. We MUST remember that and cherish that and allow our kids to explore this and realize where they came from. I never want my Little Boy to turn 12 and think that he entered the world with no one loving him. I will tell him all about his birth mom and how we took the time to get to know her and love her.

Yesterday I came home and watched Oprah from a few days ago and there was a young man that had been adopted from South Korea by an American (white) family and had always ached to know about his birth family. As he got older he qualified for the Olympic skiing team and all the press brought many people out in South Korea claiming to be his birth family. Through DNA testing they found his birth father and they were reunited. It was a great episode and it goes along with what I was saying about all children no matter where they are adopted from having birth families. I loved the show and Oprah did a good job even though she stumbled a few times over what words to use in describing all the family members!

Okay so that was a bunch in one post. I'm back to packing b/c tomorrow will come quite early for me!


*Okay I know there are tons of spelling mistakes. I'm typing quickly, watching The Office and thinking about what I haven't packed and need to still pack.

**Also, I know that not all birth parents are nice and good people. I also know that not all people desire a relationship with their birth parents. I am sad for that and wish that more people viewed their birth parents the way I do. This is MY OPINION and that's it. This is my BLOG too so I can say whatever I want!!!